From far away
Who the care provider talks to in your family
When several relatives want to hear from the provider, it helps to agree with your parent who the provider talks to, about what, and how the rest of the family hears.
Picture it from your parent's side. Several of their children have been in touch with the provider. Nobody, though, has asked your parent who the provider ought to be talking to. This page won't name who in your family should hear what. It is about asking your parent, and about how what the provider says can reach the rest of you. This is information only, not medical or legal advice.
Ask your parent first
Before the family works anything out between itself, ask your parent who they would like the provider to talk to, and about what. Take whatever they say, including very little, as the answer. If raising it at all feels awkward, How to bring it up without a fight may help.
What we don’t claim here
We don’t tell you whether a change is serious, or where ordinary ends and concerning begins. No authority sets that threshold, so we don’t imply one.
Who can weigh it: your parent’s doctor or care team, who know the person and the situation. Where to take it →
Understand why a provider may not tell you everything
If a provider checks with your parent, and explains why and to whom, before telling the family anything, that matches guidance for health and social care staff in Ireland from HIQA and Safeguarding Ireland, under which staff ask for a person's consent, with limited exceptions, before sharing their personal information.
A provider that keeps to your parent's wishes about what it passes on is doing its job, not holding out on the family.
Agree how what the provider says reaches everyone
Once your parent has said who the provider may talk to, agree with them how news goes on from there: who passes on what, to whom, and in what way. Keep it to what your parent is happy for others to know. Dividing up the wider caring work is a separate question, taken up in Sharing the load with siblings and family.
Settle on one main contact, if your parent wants one
The Family Caregiver Alliance in the US counts acting as the main contact for care providers among the things a relative caring from a distance can do. Whether there is a main contact, and who it is, is your parent's choice; the role is about passing things on, not having a say over their care, and the rest of the family loses nothing by getting its news over the phone from that person, or straight from your parent. Tell the provider who that person is only once your parent has agreed.
Look at the arrangement again as things change
In England, NICE's adult social care guidance says that how a person wants family and others involved is something services should come back to, both regularly and whenever it is asked for.
Whether a parent is able to make a particular decision for themselves is not something a family is asked to settle on its own; where that is in question, it is for their doctor or care team, and the formal side differs by where your parent lives.
The guidance here comes from Ireland, England and the US, and speaks for those places. Who may receive information about your parent, and on what basis, differs by where they live, and that is a question for the provider, which your parent can ask themselves or have one of you ask.
Come back to the arrangement with your parent too, and take their lead when they want something changed.
Take health questions to their doctor or care team
When a question is about your parent's health rather than the visits, it is worth bringing to their doctor or care team. Whether anyone in the family hears about it afterwards is your parent's to decide.
When to ask a professional
This guide stops where a professional’s judgment starts. Bring what you’ve noticed, plainly, to your parent’s doctor or care team.
Sources
The outside sources this guide draws on.
Primary: Taken from the official source itself, and cited directly. Secondary: Established in recognised guidance, summarised here.
- PrimaryHIQA and Safeguarding Ireland (Ireland), Guidance on a Human Rights-based Approach in Health and Social Care Services, 2019
- SecondaryFamily Caregiver Alliance (US), Handbook for Long-Distance Caregivers, published 2003, updated and reprinted 2014
- PrimaryNICE (England), NG86, recommendation 1.1.14, 20 February 2018
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How we source
Carefulness, made visible.
Named, not counted
Each guide names its sources and tags each one Primary or Secondary. It never counts sources at you.
Holding back
Where a part isn’t confirmed, a guide runs shorter and says what is missing.
Naming the limit
Every guide names where its authority ends, and who to ask instead.