Looking after yourself
Guilt, resentment and mixed feelings about caring for a parent
Caring for a parent can stir up feelings you would rather not admit to, sometimes several at once. Here is what carers' and health organisations say about them, and some ways to give them room.
You've given up a third Saturday in a row to sort out your mum's shopping, and somewhere between the car park and her front door you catch yourself resenting it, then feeling awful for resenting her. Feelings like that can be hard to say out loud, even to yourself. This is general information, not medical advice. This page won't tell you what your feelings mean. What it offers is what carers' and health organisations say about these feelings, and a few ways carers describe making room for them.
More than one feeling in a day
Carers UK says caring can involve a whole range of complex emotions and feelings. MedlinePlus Magazine, from the US National Institutes of Health, says it is common for caregivers to feel many different things, and that you might feel frustrated, sad, resentful and joyful within the same day, or even the same hour. The Alzheimer Society of Canada, writing about dementia caregiving, says that in a single day you may feel content, angry, guilty, happy, sad, embarrassed, afraid and helpless. Family Caregiver Alliance says that all of your feelings about caregiving, good and bad, are not only allowed but valid and important.
What we don’t claim here
We don’t tell you whether what you are feeling is serious, or where ordinary ends and something that needs attention begins. No authority sets that threshold, so we don’t imply one.
Who can weigh it: your own doctor, who knows you and your situation. Where to take it →
Resentment and anger
Carers UK notes that some people feel resentful about how their life has changed, and then guilty for feeling that way. Family Caregiver Alliance says that in a situation you did not choose, it is not uncommon to feel negative and resentful. Carers UK is clear that feelings of resentment do not define you or make you a bad person or a bad carer, and describes them as natural and commonly expressed among carers. Carers UK also acknowledges that, common as they are, these feelings can be hard to deal with. Family Caregiver Alliance describes anger and frustration as a normal part of being around someone who needs help on an ongoing basis and who might not accept that help. The other side of that, a parent turning help away, has a guide of its own: When a parent refuses help.
Grief while they are still here
Carers UK says that sometimes a carer feels a sense of mourning for the person their parent used to be, even though that parent is still with them, and gives caring for someone with dementia as an example. Family Caregiver Alliance writes that carers may grieve for the person they care for, for who that person used to be, and for the relationship they had. Grief like this is something you can bring to your own doctor or a counsellor.
Say it somewhere safe
Carers UK suggests talking about these feelings, if you can, with someone who understands, and says talking to other carers can help when friends and family don't feel like the right people. Family Caregiver Alliance mentions keeping a journal, or talking with a friend or a professional, as ways to let off steam. Family Caregiver Alliance also encourages caregivers to take breaks, so they have time for themselves and a chance to refresh their energy; A break from caring, and who can step in has more on breaks, including guilt about taking one.
Bring in someone whose job this is
Carers UK says you may also benefit from counselling support, which makes a big difference for some people. Family Caregiver Alliance reminds caregivers that professional help is available. These feelings are worth bringing to your own doctor at any point; they don't need to get heavier first.
When to ask a professional
This guide stops where a professional’s judgment starts. Bring what you’ve noticed, plainly, to your own doctor.
Sources
The outside sources this guide draws on.
Secondary: Established in recognised guidance, summarised here.
- SecondaryCarers UK, Coping with guilt, resentment and other difficult emotions, no date given
- SecondaryFamily Caregiver Alliance (US), The Emotional Side of Caregiving, 2014
- SecondaryMedlinePlus Magazine, US National Institutes of Health, Caring for yourself while caring for others, 2024
- SecondaryAlzheimer Society of Canada, Reducing caregiver stress, no date given
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How we source
Carefulness, made visible.
Named, not counted
Each guide names its sources and tags each one Primary or Secondary. It never counts sources at you.
Holding back
Where a part isn’t confirmed, a guide runs shorter and says what is missing.
Naming the limit
Every guide names where its authority ends, and who to ask instead.