Why loneliness is hard to see from the outside

Over a pot of tea, your parent runs through their week: the hairdresser on Tuesday, a neighbour dropping in with a cutting from the garden, the grandchildren on Saturday. It sounds like a full week. Whether it felt full to them is a different question, and not one anyone at the table can answer for them. This is general information rather than medical advice. There is no list of things to look for here, and that is a choice, not an oversight.

Loneliness is a feeling about a person's own company, judged from the inside, and the person who knows whether it is there is the one living it.

Being alone and being lonely are not the same

As health bodies describe it, loneliness is the painful feeling that comes from a gap between the social connections a person wants and the ones they have; that is how the WHO puts it. The WHO describes social isolation differently, as an objective lack of sufficient social connections. One is about how things feel; the other is about how things are.

Others draw the same line. Age Scotland, a charity for older people, says plainly that loneliness is not the same as being alone. A Government of Canada resource on the social isolation of seniors says social isolation is different from loneliness, though the two are often related. The NHS says you do not have to be on your own all the time to feel lonely, and that many people feel lonely in a relationship or with friends or family.

Company can usually be counted; loneliness can't

The same Government of Canada resource puts the difference plainly. It says social isolation can generally be recognised by others observing a person's relationships, while loneliness is a personal experience.

That works in both directions. The Government of Canada resource says some socially active older people may feel lonely, because loneliness is a subjective experience, and that some older people may prefer to be alone and do not experience loneliness. Age Scotland notes that many people prefer some, or even a lot of, time to themselves, while others like to be surrounded by people as often as possible.

So a busy week and a quiet one each tell you something about a parent's days. Neither one, on its own, tells you how those days feel.

It is theirs to name

Age Scotland reminds people supporting someone else that mending another person's loneliness is not their job. None of this is a reason to stop noticing your parent, or to start reading their life for clues. It puts the question back with the person it belongs to.

Ireland's HSE describes loneliness as a common and deeply human feeling that does not mean there is anything wrong with the person feeling it. The WHO says loneliness affects people of all ages. Loneliness, being alone and staying connected in later life goes further into time alone and staying in touch.

There are people to talk to about it, too. Ireland's HSE lists a doctor alongside family, friends and support services as people someone could talk to about feeling lonely. Loneliness is a fair thing to bring to their doctor or care team, ideally with your parent in the conversation and on their terms.

The week over tea may have been as full as it sounded, or not. Either way, the person who can tell you is sitting across the table, and the conversation can stay as ordinary as the tea.